


when you know, you know

by keeplovinanyway



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Babies, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, a bit of internalized homophobia, parent!phan, well discussion of it at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 04:57:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14561349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keeplovinanyway/pseuds/keeplovinanyway
Summary: Dan wants to have a baby. He just has to ask Phil about it.





	when you know, you know

**Author's Note:**

> Dan asked for this. He [met baby Pearl in Louise's vlog](https://youtu.be/PuXnWS1vxm8?t=1060) and said that this was going to be taken out of context for Dan and Phil adopting a baby fanfiction. You wanted it, Dan, here you go.  
> (jk if you're here pls leave)

One of the benefits of being together for almost ten years is that you‘re rarely ever scared to talk to each other about personal things.

Which means that Dan is a bit surprised at just how much his insides squirm at the question he’s about to ask.

“Phil?”

Phil looks back at him like he already knows what Dan’s going to say.

~~

_earlier_

Dan has always liked babies. When his brother was born he was the tiniest little thing and Dan, just a small person himself, had lit up with delight at his brother’s tiny hands and the way he blubbered at everything Dan did.

And then there were cousins, and Phil’s family’s babies, and eventually the babies of his own friends.

It’s just- Babies are small and precious and soft and they smell good. They wave their hands at Dan and stare at him with their big blue eyes and something inside of Dan’s chest lights up with the need to protect and to hold and to love, wholeheartedly, as much as he possibly can.

When he was still with his girlfriend, back when he was still in school, they used to talk about it sometimes. They were that one couple – that one that had been together forever, and would likely always be, because they liked each other and didn’t really fight and they were a _good fit_ , like his parents used to say. So- they were kids, and they thought that this was what their life was going to be like.

Dan remembers one time in particular. They’d cuddled on his bed, pretending to study, and she’d brought up marriage. She talked about dreams of white dresses and roses like it was bound to happen and Dan went along with it, because there was not much else he imagined for his life either. But then, she asked him how many kids he wanted, and Dan felt so much all at once that he had to kiss her instead. She giggled and shoved at him and said she wanted two or three maybe, and Dan had imagined three tiny humans being carried around by him, needing nappy changes and bottle feeds, and a small part of him had wanted to make her a baby right then and there.

~~

_now_

Dan clears his throat.

“Um. About… about, children. Babies. You know.”

He looks at Phil’s mouth as he talks and is unbearably aware of how he can’t bring himself to look into his eyes.

Phil closes his laptop and puts it to the side. His hands don’t shake. Dan hears their neighbour’s daughter shrieking outside and he draws in another breath.

~~

_earlier_

It’s 2011, and Dan is in love with Phil.

Dan loves Phil and that’s alright, that is good, that is all splendid.

Except- except that Dan just saw on Facebook about his school friend being pregnant, and some part of him aches.

It’s the same part that wonders sometimes whether it really is okay to love a guy. Whether it is okay for him personally speaking, because he is not homophobic, not at all. But he isn’t really gay either, and he hates everything that goes along with it, all the stereotypes and the finger-pointing and name-calling and how he feels dirty with it, sometimes.

And that part, devilishly, whispers into his ear how it maybe just isn’t natural. Because his friends are becoming parents, and he can’t, because his love is not one that can make babies happen.

Because the kind of couple that he and Phil are is not supposed to have children.

Dan burrows down into the duvet and turns away from Phil, who is sleeping, adorably and warm and everything that keeps Dan grounded. He pushes his face into his pillow and feels it get wet with his tears.

~~

_now_

“We are… still on the same page, right? About- about, wanting a kid. One day.”

He knows they are, technically. They joke around a lot, but in a way where they both know they mean it a bit. They have started looking for houses, and the number of bedrooms are more than they’d need if it kept being just the two of them.

They have somewhat seriously talked about it too, years ago, just- just that they want a family. Here and there in passing, or in deep conversations about what it had been like to realize they were into guys and what this meant for their own desire for a family.

Dan knows that Phil wants kids just as much as he does.

“Of course.”

Phil’s voice sounds smiley, and Dan feels instant relief, despite the fact that he had just told himself that he technically knew.

“A kid, or two perhaps,” Phil says again. “Why are you asking?”

The nerves swarm his stomach once more. He finally looks up into Phil’s eyes, let’s him see just exactly how anxious he is.

~~

_earlier_

“We’re not ready for a dog. I can’t even keep my houseplants alive,” Phil says, and Dan’s stomach drops.

Phil keeps talking and Dan pretends he isn’t spiraling away in a bit of an internal crisis, because for one they’re filming, but also, he isn’t really ready for Phil to notice.

He doesn’t quite know why it makes him feel so ill to hear this, and he doesn’t have time to focus on it right now.

But later, he does. Later he goes for a walk and doesn’t coax Phil into coming with him like he usually would. He’s got music playing in his ears and his hands shoved into his pockets as he walks that path he found where he rarely meets any people.

He can feel that his body is tense all over. His insides feel like they are shaking in that way that a rope would if it was moved, but strung too tightly.

It’s not particularly the dog, Dan thinks. Yes, he would like a dog. And maybe he’d thought they might get one rather sooner than later. After tour, perhaps- he’d thought they both really wanted that.

 _We’re not ready for a dog_ , Phil’s voice echoes, and Dan kicks at a stone. It flies across the street and into some trash cans. It’s loud and it makes Dan jump.

Are they really not ready? For a dog, or… or, for any responsibility of that kind? Are they really not adult enough by now?

One of his latest therapy sessions comes to mind. They’d talked about goals in life. Where he wanted to go. How Dan has worked on rebranding so that he can be a bit more serious sometimes, a bit less cringey, a bit more like the 26-year old he is.

Phil is 31 now. Are they not ready to care for- for another life?

A bit ahead of him Dan sees two people, teenagers maybe. He turns left instead of going straight ahead. There’s no room for fan selfies in a crisis like this.

 _Why does this feel like a crisis to you?_ , a voice in his head asks. The voice mysteriously sounds a lot like his therapist.

Dan kicks at another stone.

He is not quite sure why this hits him so hard.

Maybe because… maybe, because, he had worked so hard on taking care of himself in those past couple of years. And because he thought he’d reached a point where he is capable of doing that, truly. Where he can deal with his shit and be alright. Where he is- where he is ready, for more.

_What does that mean, ready for more?_

Dan hates his therapist sometimes, because she never stops asking the questions he wants to avoid the most. Even when she’s not here, except for in his own head, with words he knows she’d ask if he was sat across from her.

 _It means I want kids_ , he thinks reluctantly, and has to swallow around that thought with the sudden force of it. _I want kids and I thought- I thought we were ready soon._

~~

_now_

“What if I want kids… like, sooner. Than one day.”

Dan whispers it. He isn’t even sure Phil can properly understand him.

Phil is silent for a bit. He seems to search Dan’s gaze for something. Dan doesn’t know for what.

“How soon are we talking?”

Dan stumbles, internally.

“Uh… tomorrow?”, he jokes instinctively, and the tension eases up a bit. “No, I- I don’t know, I just. I don’t want to wait forever. Like. I’d want to be a dad in- in a couple of years for sure, if you’re up for that.”

Phil starts to smile, slow and sweet.

“I am up for it,” he says, and kisses Dan.

~~

_earlier_

Pearl is cute.

Dan has been looking forward to this all morning. He and Phil both have.

“We’re seeing a baby today!” had been Phil’s first words after he’d woken up, and Dan had smiled into his pillow.

And now they’re here, with Pearl in real life, and she is staring at them with wide eyes as they swoon and talk sweetly at her. They’re here for Louise too, sure, but the three of them don’t really have to hide how all of their attention is on the baby.

“Do you want to hold her for a bit?”

“Do I want to hold this cute and precious little baby? Fuck yeah!”

“Dan!” Phil shushes immediately, “no swearing!”

Louise laughs.

“Well I do hope she doesn’t understand that yet. Is a bit too young that one, isn’t she.”

She stands and walks around the table.

“Want to go to Dan, Pearl? Yeah? This nice tall man with curly hair?”

“Don’t let her fall, Dan,” Phil says from behind.

Dan feels his stomach flutter. It’s been a while since he’s held a baby.

“Put your arm here like this,” Louise says as she holds out Pearl to him, “and your hand here- like that, yeah- do you have her?”

“I’ve got her.”

He’s got her indeed, he has Pearl in his arms and shifts her around a bit until she’s sat all securely against his chest.

“Hello, little one!”

Phil coos beside him, and Louise chatters on about how good Pearl is with strangers or this or that, but Dan doesn’t really listen. He doesn’t really know how to, when there’s a tiny human in his arms. She’s clenching her fists and Dan holds a finger out for her to take.

“Are you a strong little lady? Holding on so tightly?”

Pearl stares back at him and says nothing. Dan shakes her a bit, because that’s what you do with babies, isn’t it?

She’s light, so light. And so soft. He always forgets how soft babies are. She’s squishy where he has her tucked against him, and her cheeks are all chubby and round.

“You are such a squishy little girl, aren’t you?”

Phil leans in to Dan and reaches out a finger for Pearl to grab too.

“Hello, Pearl! Nice to meet you!”

“You’ve got it all nice here, haven’t you,” Louise says, and now they’re all cooing and prodding at her.

Dan laughs.

“What a live to have. All the attention on you. Giving you everything you need.”

“Sure, just you shit your pants a lot, too,” Louise says. Dan splutters, surprised.

“Well, at least I don’t have to clean them.”

They sit and talk for a while, about Pearl and babies and their show and life in general. It is nice, like this. Louise vlogs for a bit and Dan doesn’t even really mind, not with the baby there to steal the show. Not even with a comment or two that he’d usually not know what to say to. It’s fine here, with Pearl. It kind of makes him realize what is important in life, and what really isn’t.

There’s a moment where Phil holds Pearl and grins and talks down at her and Dan just looks for a bit, and feels something fall into place.

He takes Pearls tiny little foot in hand and smiles at her and she smiles back, like she knows.

 _I want one like you_ , he thinks. Calmly at first, because of how true and real and honest it is. Then it hits him, what that really means.

He wants a child with Phil. A baby to take care of, to teach and to hold and to love. He wants to start a family.

Phil catches his gaze and raises his eyebrows questioningly.

Dan gathers himself, and shakes his head a bit. _Later_ , he tries to tell him.

Because he knows he’ll have to, now that he- now that he felt this so strongly.

Phil looks a bit more before he seems to be content with that for now.

Pearls gargles, and Dan shakes her foot a little bit in his hand.

“You’re just a bit wonderful,” he says. “Babies are just so great.”

“She is,” Louise agrees, just as Phil says, “they are.”

~~

_now_

They talk then. They talk, and talk, and talk.

About how soon exactly they both want to, for example. They talk circles around it until they know that they’re both thinking about somewhat of the same things, because they are both a bit nervous, apparently.

“The house first, right?”, Phil says, and Dan nods, of course.

“But maybe… maybe start soon after? Because well, it’ll take time, probably, yes?”

And then Phil nods, because yes, it will.

They also talk the how. Phil jokes about wishing one of them could just get pregnant so it would be easier, and Dan catches his hand and squeezes, because he knows how to listen for the truth behind a joke like that.

“How do you feel about adoption?”, Dan says.

“It’s probably best,” Phil says, and then Dan launches into a full on lecture about the adoption process in the UK. Phil smiles at him, like he isn’t surprised at all about how much Dan knows on this, and Dan feels loved and keeps on talking.

They don’t talk fans. Not yet, at least. They don’t talk how public they want to be, or how much to show. That’s a whole other topic to delve into, and for now, this is big enough for just the two of them. But Dan feels comforted knowing that by the time a child will be there, there won’t be a doubt anymore about who he and Phil are to each other. They’re headed there anyway, and the discussion about the privacy of their child won’t be one they need to complicate with the privacy of their own relationship.

There’s a moment then where they’re quiet suddenly, both just looking at each other. Dan’s stretched his leg over Phil’s lap sometime in the past half hour, and Phil’s lounging sideways on the back of the sofa and just smiling at Dan.

“We’re really doing this, aren’t we,” Dan says, and Phil reaches out to play with his fingers.

“Seems like we are.”

Dan feels like he could burst. He smiles and he smiles and then he’s crying all of a sudden, and Phil tugs him into his chest to hold him, like he is the baby needing to be cradled. Dan thinks about how comforted a baby- their baby! - will feel if Phil holds them like this, and he has to cry even more.

“I’ve always wanted this,” he confesses wetly into Phil’s t-shirt. He feels a kiss dropped to his head.

“I know,” and then, a bit softer, “me too.”

And then they talk more, about how Dan knew he wanted this for real, and how Phil knew, and about Pearl and this afternoon and what it means to them. Dan tells Phil of that day a couple weeks ago, when he thought Phil didn’t want a family like this, not so soon at least. Phil’s face looks guilty and guiltier until Dan kisses it off of him.

When they decide they’re done talking heavy stuff for now, and Dan gets up because he has needed the toilet for ages, Phil stops him and tugs at his fingers.

“We’re going to have a child,” he grins.

Dan reaches down and pats Phil’s head.

“Another one of those that I have to take care off,” he jokes.

“Shut up!”

“Make me!” He starts running to the bathroom and hears Phil taking off behind him.

Phil only catches up to him when he’s already tugging his pants down, but nonetheless starts tickling him mercilessly.

“Stop,” Dan wheezes, “fuck, stop, I need to pee!”

Eventually Phil lets go and Dan gets to pee, finally. Phil sits down on the floor and grins cheesily up at him until Dan threatens to pee on him if he doesn’t stop that immediately.

“Love-Eyes-Lester,” he says.

“Love you,” Phil just says, completely sincere.

Dan smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> see this on [tumblr](https://heartfeltfangirl.tumblr.com/post/173649066048/when-you-know-you-know) (@heartfeltfangirl)
> 
> if you want to leave constructive criticism, I welcome that! please message me on tumblr if you want to do that, and I'd love to hear what you think.


End file.
